Amniocentesis: Round One

     In just a few short days Gabriella will be a year old... ONE year!! I cannot believe how fast the time is just flying by!! I remember the anticipation of waiting for the day she would enter this world. I remember wishing, hoping and praying she would survive as I was told she may not. I remember washing every tiny onsie, every tiny sock, stocking itty bitty diapers into the diaper stacker. Vividly I remember dropping to my knees on many occasions begging God not to take her from me, begging Him to allow me to love the little life inside of me and raise her with His guidance the best way that I could!

    At this time a year ago I went to the neonatologists to have an amniocentesis done to see whether Gabriella's lungs were mature enough to go thru with the scheduled c section. I was so scared! A huge needle was going to enter the safe little 'bubble' my baby was!? Would it hurt her? Would it cause me to go into labor? Is it going to be painful? I remember almost passing out as I laid on the table in the office. I pulled the blanket over my face as he removed what looked like a ten foot needle... Uhm THAT is what's going into my daughters current home!?

   The doctor began the procedure.. Yup it hurt but not nearly as bad as I had thought. Amniotic fluid was removed for testing and sent to the lab. Upon standing I was so shaky and ready again to pass out simply because I had worked myself up so badly. I got strapped up to a monitor for a stress test to make sure I was not going into labor; Gabriella handled it all fine and so did I. My mother and I went to have some lunch while waiting for results and just in case I did go into labor my bag was packed and in the car.

    The phone rang, it was my doctor! My heart dropped and here came that gut-wrenching nervous butterfly feeling again. The results of the lung maturity tests were in; Gabriella's lungs were not mature enough for her to be delivered without having complications with breathing. Disappointed I didn't say much to my mom just that I wanted to go home and lay down. i did not speak the entire way home. I just remembered staring out the car window while my mom drove because i was having mild contractions. I wasn't going to meet my daughter the following day :( I was very upset. I had gotten my hopes up to be let down, I felt. It was okay though because Gabby just needed a little more time, a little more 'baking'. The anxiety I had felt before that day was increased in knowing now that I had to have that huge needle go in me again. I just wanted to meet my little girl and start our lives and with my pregnancy being so stressful and with all of the 'unknowns' I was just ready for her to be here!

In one week Gabriella will be one. Where on earth has the time gone? All of my worries, my anxieties  and all that i went through during my pregnancy was so worth it as I reflect on this past year! Thank God for blessing me with you Gabriella!!

One Year Post 'Abortion Apologies'

One year ago today I was 31 weeks pregnant. My aunt Christine came with me to a regular ultrasound so we could check up on Gabriella. The ultrasound was fun as usual and we got cute pictures of my punkins face, after the tech finished with the ultrasound she told me I had to go sit in the lobby so she could talk to the doctor.. I did not have an appt with the doctor that day so I looked at my aunt and said something's not right. She also felt something may not be right but tried to assure me all was fine. Finally we got called into a room where the doctor would see me, I knew something was wrong!! I just knew it! 

The doctor came in and basically kept beating around the bush as though she was afraid to deliver the bad news. She told me my daughter had extra fluid on her brain and I needed to be sent to Uconn medical for further more advanced ultrasounds of Gabby's brain. The doctor gave me little information on this 'fluid on the brain'. the only thing I cared about due to her lack of information was "Is she going to survive" and the doctor stated "I cannot tell you that". 

I was absolutely CRUSHED! My normal pregnancy, except for the diabetes and ciatica, in one visit felt like I died. In the days to follow I had no idea I would be told my daughter would be severely mentally handicapped if she even survived at all!! I was told there was so much fluid on her brain they couldn't tell me if there was even any brain tissue! They apologized over and over because I was 'past the point of abortion' which would not have been a choice for me anyways. There was ZERO hope for my daughter. 

On this one year anniversary of such awful news I look at my INCREDIBLE Gabriella who is #1 not severely mentally handicapped and #2 is clearly living and doing well!! So here is to happy 1 year to doubtful doctors, pessimistic nurses, the people who looked at me with watery eyes because my daughter would be 'nothing', the confused family who also like myself did not understand the bad news. So on this day to those doctors who apologized for me being unable to abort excuse my language but YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT! :) I THANK God everyday for my miracle baby and today is an extreme day of overwhelming prayer! Thank you God! Thank you God! Thank you God!

Grateful

 

Just a quick update and some cute pictures :)

Today Gabriella had physical therapy and she's still doing very well. Gabby tilts her head slightly when she's looking at you so her therapist thought perhaps some torticolis but while doing exercises with her she has terrific range of motion with no issues. Most likely then it may have to do with her vision which of course we already know is a concern. Right sided peripheral vision is most likely affected but we won't be able to better assess it until Gabriella is older. So for now we will continue with all of the daily routine of muscle strengthening, weight bearing, visual exercises etc. Sitting up on her own has also gotten much much better she rarely falls over now and when she does she is learning to ease herself down as opposed to her falling onto her face due to lack of control. I could not be more proud of my little miracle peanut! And while some days are surely a struggle to keep positive, I am human afterall, I am definitely getting better at it :) My daughter has changed my entire world and I am not only so very proud of her, but I am also very proud of the person she has helped me to become!