Amniocentesis: Round One

     In just a few short days Gabriella will be a year old... ONE year!! I cannot believe how fast the time is just flying by!! I remember the anticipation of waiting for the day she would enter this world. I remember wishing, hoping and praying she would survive as I was told she may not. I remember washing every tiny onsie, every tiny sock, stocking itty bitty diapers into the diaper stacker. Vividly I remember dropping to my knees on many occasions begging God not to take her from me, begging Him to allow me to love the little life inside of me and raise her with His guidance the best way that I could!

    At this time a year ago I went to the neonatologists to have an amniocentesis done to see whether Gabriella's lungs were mature enough to go thru with the scheduled c section. I was so scared! A huge needle was going to enter the safe little 'bubble' my baby was!? Would it hurt her? Would it cause me to go into labor? Is it going to be painful? I remember almost passing out as I laid on the table in the office. I pulled the blanket over my face as he removed what looked like a ten foot needle... Uhm THAT is what's going into my daughters current home!?

   The doctor began the procedure.. Yup it hurt but not nearly as bad as I had thought. Amniotic fluid was removed for testing and sent to the lab. Upon standing I was so shaky and ready again to pass out simply because I had worked myself up so badly. I got strapped up to a monitor for a stress test to make sure I was not going into labor; Gabriella handled it all fine and so did I. My mother and I went to have some lunch while waiting for results and just in case I did go into labor my bag was packed and in the car.

    The phone rang, it was my doctor! My heart dropped and here came that gut-wrenching nervous butterfly feeling again. The results of the lung maturity tests were in; Gabriella's lungs were not mature enough for her to be delivered without having complications with breathing. Disappointed I didn't say much to my mom just that I wanted to go home and lay down. i did not speak the entire way home. I just remembered staring out the car window while my mom drove because i was having mild contractions. I wasn't going to meet my daughter the following day :( I was very upset. I had gotten my hopes up to be let down, I felt. It was okay though because Gabby just needed a little more time, a little more 'baking'. The anxiety I had felt before that day was increased in knowing now that I had to have that huge needle go in me again. I just wanted to meet my little girl and start our lives and with my pregnancy being so stressful and with all of the 'unknowns' I was just ready for her to be here!

In one week Gabriella will be one. Where on earth has the time gone? All of my worries, my anxieties  and all that i went through during my pregnancy was so worth it as I reflect on this past year! Thank God for blessing me with you Gabriella!!

One Year Post 'Abortion Apologies'

One year ago today I was 31 weeks pregnant. My aunt Christine came with me to a regular ultrasound so we could check up on Gabriella. The ultrasound was fun as usual and we got cute pictures of my punkins face, after the tech finished with the ultrasound she told me I had to go sit in the lobby so she could talk to the doctor.. I did not have an appt with the doctor that day so I looked at my aunt and said something's not right. She also felt something may not be right but tried to assure me all was fine. Finally we got called into a room where the doctor would see me, I knew something was wrong!! I just knew it! 

The doctor came in and basically kept beating around the bush as though she was afraid to deliver the bad news. She told me my daughter had extra fluid on her brain and I needed to be sent to Uconn medical for further more advanced ultrasounds of Gabby's brain. The doctor gave me little information on this 'fluid on the brain'. the only thing I cared about due to her lack of information was "Is she going to survive" and the doctor stated "I cannot tell you that". 

I was absolutely CRUSHED! My normal pregnancy, except for the diabetes and ciatica, in one visit felt like I died. In the days to follow I had no idea I would be told my daughter would be severely mentally handicapped if she even survived at all!! I was told there was so much fluid on her brain they couldn't tell me if there was even any brain tissue! They apologized over and over because I was 'past the point of abortion' which would not have been a choice for me anyways. There was ZERO hope for my daughter. 

On this one year anniversary of such awful news I look at my INCREDIBLE Gabriella who is #1 not severely mentally handicapped and #2 is clearly living and doing well!! So here is to happy 1 year to doubtful doctors, pessimistic nurses, the people who looked at me with watery eyes because my daughter would be 'nothing', the confused family who also like myself did not understand the bad news. So on this day to those doctors who apologized for me being unable to abort excuse my language but YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT! :) I THANK God everyday for my miracle baby and today is an extreme day of overwhelming prayer! Thank you God! Thank you God! Thank you God!

Grateful

 

Just a quick update and some cute pictures :)

Today Gabriella had physical therapy and she's still doing very well. Gabby tilts her head slightly when she's looking at you so her therapist thought perhaps some torticolis but while doing exercises with her she has terrific range of motion with no issues. Most likely then it may have to do with her vision which of course we already know is a concern. Right sided peripheral vision is most likely affected but we won't be able to better assess it until Gabriella is older. So for now we will continue with all of the daily routine of muscle strengthening, weight bearing, visual exercises etc. Sitting up on her own has also gotten much much better she rarely falls over now and when she does she is learning to ease herself down as opposed to her falling onto her face due to lack of control. I could not be more proud of my little miracle peanut! And while some days are surely a struggle to keep positive, I am human afterall, I am definitely getting better at it :) My daughter has changed my entire world and I am not only so very proud of her, but I am also very proud of the person she has helped me to become!

Overjoyed

    Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Thinking about my own loss in the past brings me sadness but I then see the miracle that is right before me. As Miss G bops around with her toys  I listen to her little babbles, her laughter, and also her occassional whines as she makes sure Mommy is still there.

    As I observe her I think back to the day when I was given a most grim diagnosis. The doctors told me such awful news with no hope at all for her future. I also remember the moment the doctors both apologized over and over that it was too far along for me to abort and they wished there was something they could do. Abort? What! I am in tears at the simple thought of those words. "You really have no hope for my daughter" I had asked numerous times and each time in so many words their answer was "no". "How could they tell me such a thing, could it really be that there's no hope for my unborn child" I thought over and over. Perhaps we were to have found out  Gabriella's diagnoses prior to that "cut off" date my choice never would have been different from the one those doctors felt I was "stuck" in. I would have given her a chance to show us what she's made of with or without the option of "aborting".

     So as I watch my amazing, incredible, miraculous little girl I send a little prayer up. I say little because He has answered such huge prayers already in our lives. But with this prayer I give much thanks because I was instilled with such morals and beliefs that I know no matter what when it came to or continues to come to my daughter I will always know what to do! She may be a bit weaker than some babies and her eyes may not be as "good" as others and her brain may have some "imperfections" to the eyes of others but I know that she is PERFECT! At times when others had no hope I have always had nothing less. I was however, so afraid before her arrival but now I am no longer. She will do things on her own time and she will continue to prove everyone else around her who has doubted her wrong!

    And with my own personal situation with my daughter I think of all the angels that left us too soon. All the wonderful little babies who lost their battle with the same diagnoses Gabby was initially given. I pray for them and for their family. And whether they lived 3 years or just 3 days they were tiny little miracles just the same!!



 

Happy, Sad, Happy Kind of Day

    Its been a while since I have updated so I thought perhaps today that I should. Life has been of course pretty busy with holidays coming, Gabriella's many doctor appointments and physical therapy sessions. A couple of weeks ago we went to see an eye doctor for miss Gabby. Of course I was a bit nervous as to what he would find but I kept positive.

     Upon examination the doctor informed me of what I feared most, there was optic nerve damage. Your optic nerves of the eyes are what sends signals to and from your brain of what you are seeing. Gabriella's are damaged from the bleed that occurred in utero. I had so badly hoped prior to our appointment that what I feared wasn't reality but it is. Thats the sad news but as the exam progressed he informed me some great news; Gabriella is not blind nor is she "legally blind". She can see and that is very evident to us :) As for how FAR or well she can actually she (as in 20/20 20/40 etc) he cannot determine until she is much older and able to read an eye exam chart. And then, MORE GOOD NEWS.. He said he believes in cord blood infusions (which we have already had the one) and is axious to see how Gabby does after her next two. The doctor said he believes the infuisons will continue to help to repair her eyes and that he has sent patients for these same procedures before.

    So needless to say it was a mixed emotion day but I left that appointment with the same amount of hope and excitement for my little girl as I have always had even since the very first diagnosis while she was in utero. She's amazing and I know she will forever remain that way :)

More Progress

Gabriella reading lol

                                                       Starting to be able to sit up!!!!!

     So Gabriella has been doing all sorts of new things! She's copying little noises I make and when I laugh she will copy it as well! I am loving every single day with this beautiful little girl! She amazes me every day!!! Today as you can see in the picture she has begun to sit up for a few seconds at a time on her own!! This is great progress!

    Physical therapy was here today and worked on many muscle strengthening exercises. Her therapist is extremely pleased with Gabby's progress and I couldn't be happier! Also Miss Gabby went for her 6month check up with her pediatrician, she was not very happy with him. 3 shots were given and I don't think I have ever seen her so upset, this was by far the hardest pedicatrician appointment so far that we've been to. Poor girl. Today though she is back to her normal happy self. We will be taking her to an eye specialist for children on September 18th because Gabby still has a bit of a difficult time seeing farther distances so we may have to be getting some glasses. Keep amazing us my little princess you are doing GREAT! Obviously there are things we are still having to keep an eye on, muscle tone, eyes etc but we will take each day one day at a time. :)

HAPPY 6 MONTHS GABRIELLA!!

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17

6 Months ago today my family drove me to Hartford to deliever my little peanut. I was super scared but so ready to meet her! At 9:02am my beautiful Miss Gabriella Lena Grace came into this world screaming and full of life! Today is a day to reflect on the past 6 months as they have certainly been up and down. I want to thank every person that has been with us through our our journey. I want to especially thank my mom, dad, and Aunt Chris for experiencing Gabby's birth with me and for staying with her in the NICU when i was still in recovery, you guys watched after her and comforted her in her very first hours of her life. God has blessed me with this amazing little girl and I could not be more grateful!! Gabriella mommy loves you sooo much and cannot believe you are 6 months old today!! You are INCREDIBLE! I LOVE YOU with all of my heart I couldnt imagine my life without you. Every day, every second is a blessing and miracle! I love you baby girl Happy 6 months :)

Fundraising Ideas

True Love

My one true love:

Since I was young I dreamed of the classic fairy tale, Prince Charming sweeping me off of my feet and living happily ever after. I searched and until this day I have not found him but I do know that I have found something much better! Better than all the fairy tales I watched as a child and the day dreams I thought was happiness, no I have found something truly AMAZING! I have been blessed with YOU Gabriella. You have changed my entire life and me as a person! YOU are my one true love! There is NO love greater than me and you!

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

Today is July 4th, a definite amazing day for us as a country. Gabriella wanted to show her pride :)

First Infusion

She did not want to be bothered, funny thing is nothing was happening to her in this picture lol

Waiting to be called in

I did not like watching her cry during her bloodwork, as soon as it was done i scooped her up and cried with her!

These are Gabriella's beautiful perfect cells being infused into her body!!

Our trip to North Carolina Duke Medical Center was nothing short of amazing! Gabriella did great throughout the trip. However, she certainly hated getting her blood drawn and screamed forever! 16lbs 26.5 inches long are her newest weight and length, she is growing sooo fast! The infusion itself was rather quick but we had to stay for a few hours afterwards in order to watch for a possible allergic reaction to the preservative in the cells. No reaction :) I am originally from NC so of course we had to visit with our amazing family down there! On our way home Gabby was a bit tired of driving for hours and hours so she became a bit cranky but overall she did GREAT! We have been home for a few weeks now and call me crazy but we already see a ton of improvement especially in her eyes! Two infusions still to go and I cannot wait!

WE HAVE HIT THE $2000 MARK!

Gabriella's Donation Video/Story!

I cannot believe it! WE HAVE BROKE THE $2000 MARK!! So excited we are making HUGE strides towards our goal for Gabriella's infusion and ensuring she has a good life! Words cannot explain my gratitude I am just SO overwhelmed with joy and happiness! People who do not know my precious baby girl are donating to her and sharing her story! I COULD NOT BE MORE GRATEFUL!!

Loving my little girl!

It has been a little while since I wrote last. Geesh life as a mom suuuurrreee is busy lol but I certainly do love it! Gabriella is still continuing to do well! She's smiling like crazy and her head control is getting SO much better! Doctor's are still pleased and guess what: APNEA MONITOR IS BEING DISCONTINUED sometime this week!!! The company came to download the readings from the monitor and it shows only 3 episodes in an entire month and the episodes were not long enough to make the alarm sound!! :) YAY! Such a great step in the right direction! Gabriella's cord blood infusion is coming up soon and we have set up a donation page due to the fact the infusion is $11,000! But we will raise all that we can! After 40 minutes of the page being created we already had a $50 donation! WOW I am so grateful! The infusion is Gabriella's best chance if there is anything wrong. The cerebal palsy is our biggest concern so the cord blood can help to stomp it out! :) We will see how it all goes. Gabriella last weighed 13lbs 9oz WOO HOO!! Such a big improvement from all the weight she was losing right after birth! Now she's just a little piggy and I could not be more pleased! Mother's Day was yesterday and Gabriella must have known because she was just SOO happy! :) She was smiling like allll day long! I LOVED IT! I absolutely being a mother and I am so grateful God has blessed ME with HER! I would not have it any other way! Oh ya she's sleeping MUCH better as well!! 6 hour stretches sometimes! Its fantastic to finally know what sleep is again lol. So this is all for now because miss Gabby is ready for a diapy change I'm smelling a little fragrance coming from her pack and play lol! Here is the link to go donate for Gabby's infusion. http://www.gofundme.com/nln3o

Sleepy Time

It is 11:30am and Gabriella is asleep of course.. She sure sleeps so nice during the day lol. Last night was a rough night :( Gabby kept having some pretty nasty reflux which usually causes her to choke a little bit on it. At first it was pretty scary but no so much any more, I just keep my eyes and ears open much more than before. This post is not going to be all that long I just had to post because I am truly overjoyed and absolutely SO grateful for the beauty in my life that is my miracle baby girl Gabriella! I intend to show her this blog someday so if nothing else it is surely a great keepsake!

Late Nights

Late nights have become a common occurrence since bringing Gabby home, tonight being one of them to add to the list of many. I don't mind, she has no idea mommy is tired all she knows is she's not and she wants to play. As I write this she is making all sorts of noises in her bassinet as she drifts in and out of sleep. What is it babies dream about? I wonder. My pretty girl seems to be quitting down hmm maybe all she needed was the light from this iPad, have I found a secret weapon? Lol. Good night for now; hello sleep.

No love greater than Gabriella

I've never in my life known a love so great

You are my world with each breath that I take

Every single day I awake to your beautiful face

Smiling at me everything stops, theres no time no space

I will protect you with all that I am all I can be

You are my heart, my sunshine that God gave to me

Mommy loves you Gabriella

Follow up with Gabriella's neurosurgeon

Monday was the follow-up appointment to check her brain again by ultrasound. Gabriella's ventricles are still stable if not a little smaller and still she is showing no signs of pressure on her brain!!! And again we received the news of NO SHUNT NEEDED! The neurosurgeon said he still does not think she will ever need a shunt!! :) We will go back for another follow up in 3 months but until then the neurosurgeon said "I'm diggin' it" lol. I LOVE our neurosurgeon! So life goes on as usual, Gabriella is going back and forth with sleeping at night and then wanting to play at 2am. It's cute sometimes and then sometimes I am super exhausted but either way I prepare to have a few toys ready for her just in case she does wake up wanting to play. She's sleeping much more sound now too now that she is off of the caffeine medication. I sure hated that medicine but it did do wonders for her.

Our Newest Member of Our Family

February 29th we welcomed Miss Gabriella Lena Grace into the world at 9:01am. She was 8lbs 1oz and was 21 inches long! I have not wrote anything in a long time because life since her birth has been ccrraazzy with just getting used to being a mommy. Crazy but a blast all the same :) Today is April 25, 2012 and Gabriella now weighs 12 pounds even and today she is 8 weeks old! WOW has time flown by! Since her birth we have found some incredible news! On the day of her birth an ultrasound was done on her brain to check her ventricles, an MRI was done the following morning. The neurosurgeon came back with the results: NO HYDROCEPHALUS!! Yes her ventricles were still enlarged but with there being no signs of pressure on her brain hydrocephalus would not be his diagnosis and even better news: all of this news meant NO SHUNT!!! THANK GOD!! We did spend 13 days in the NICU as Gabriella started to have some apnea spells and bradycardia events in which her heart rate would drop (only for a few seconds) too low. We were sent home on caffeine (medication to help jump start her central nervous system to stop the apnea) and an apnea monitor. I am happy to report that we are no longer on caffeine and the monitor has been showing no "spells". With the fluid Gabby had in her brain (caused by a bleed in utero) she developed two porencephalic cysts on her left frontal lobe. (13mm and 5mm). The potential complications from these cysts could be right sided weakness (some form of cerebal palsy), but with our early intervention physical therapist and other appointments, so far they see no issues :) We will just have to continue to watch and stay on top of any little thing we may see. This little munchkin is the most amazing addition to my life and I cannot imagine my life without her!

 This was taken the day of our discharge from the NICU ^

8 weeks old!!!



More Frustration!!

So waiting until the 29th of February to deliver my little precious baby isn't bad I am ok with it especially if it means her lungs will be strong! And just when I thought things could not possibly get any more frustrating my doctor's office called me this morning stating there was a conflict to be delivered by MY OB on wednesday! So my choices were either wait until Friday and have my OB deliver me or allow one of his colleagues deliver me, one in which I have never met or even seen! I want Gabriella to get her surgery ASAP and its super frustrating to keep waiting so I just said forget it I will let a colleague do it. Someone online told me if he can cut and sew then thats all that matters lol. She's right. The receptionist in the office said the OB that will deliver me is great and he's a senior partner so if she had to choose she'd go with him. So thats what I am doing. Trusting a stranger to cut my open and take out my little princess. God will be with me so I know Im still in good hands! Cannot wait for February 29th!!  It will be a huge relief to finally meet little miss Gabriella!!

 

This is one of my very first ultrasounds of my little munchkin!

Letter to my little munchkin

Dear Miss Gabriella Lena Grace Mommy loves you more than you could ever know!! I pray that God keeps you close and watches over you now and forever! There are so many things I want to say to you and so much that I want to teach you, maybe I'm just being impatient but boy do I want to meet you even as I sit here and write this to you! I want you to know I will do all that I can to protect you and guide you to the best of my ability! I would give my life for you and I haven't even met you yet :) and although I have not yet met you, I am already 100% and completely in love with you and have never felt a love like this! I thank God every single day for blessing me with you!! I love you and I pray you are here in my arms on the 29th! I am anxiously awaiting as is everyone in the family!! We love you little one! Love Always and Forever!!! Mommy!