One Year Post 'Abortion Apologies'

One year ago today I was 31 weeks pregnant. My aunt Christine came with me to a regular ultrasound so we could check up on Gabriella. The ultrasound was fun as usual and we got cute pictures of my punkins face, after the tech finished with the ultrasound she told me I had to go sit in the lobby so she could talk to the doctor.. I did not have an appt with the doctor that day so I looked at my aunt and said something's not right. She also felt something may not be right but tried to assure me all was fine. Finally we got called into a room where the doctor would see me, I knew something was wrong!! I just knew it! 

The doctor came in and basically kept beating around the bush as though she was afraid to deliver the bad news. She told me my daughter had extra fluid on her brain and I needed to be sent to Uconn medical for further more advanced ultrasounds of Gabby's brain. The doctor gave me little information on this 'fluid on the brain'. the only thing I cared about due to her lack of information was "Is she going to survive" and the doctor stated "I cannot tell you that". 

I was absolutely CRUSHED! My normal pregnancy, except for the diabetes and ciatica, in one visit felt like I died. In the days to follow I had no idea I would be told my daughter would be severely mentally handicapped if she even survived at all!! I was told there was so much fluid on her brain they couldn't tell me if there was even any brain tissue! They apologized over and over because I was 'past the point of abortion' which would not have been a choice for me anyways. There was ZERO hope for my daughter. 

On this one year anniversary of such awful news I look at my INCREDIBLE Gabriella who is #1 not severely mentally handicapped and #2 is clearly living and doing well!! So here is to happy 1 year to doubtful doctors, pessimistic nurses, the people who looked at me with watery eyes because my daughter would be 'nothing', the confused family who also like myself did not understand the bad news. So on this day to those doctors who apologized for me being unable to abort excuse my language but YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT! :) I THANK God everyday for my miracle baby and today is an extreme day of overwhelming prayer! Thank you God! Thank you God! Thank you God!

Grateful

 

Just a quick update and some cute pictures :)

Today Gabriella had physical therapy and she's still doing very well. Gabby tilts her head slightly when she's looking at you so her therapist thought perhaps some torticolis but while doing exercises with her she has terrific range of motion with no issues. Most likely then it may have to do with her vision which of course we already know is a concern. Right sided peripheral vision is most likely affected but we won't be able to better assess it until Gabriella is older. So for now we will continue with all of the daily routine of muscle strengthening, weight bearing, visual exercises etc. Sitting up on her own has also gotten much much better she rarely falls over now and when she does she is learning to ease herself down as opposed to her falling onto her face due to lack of control. I could not be more proud of my little miracle peanut! And while some days are surely a struggle to keep positive, I am human afterall, I am definitely getting better at it :) My daughter has changed my entire world and I am not only so very proud of her, but I am also very proud of the person she has helped me to become!

Overjoyed

    Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Thinking about my own loss in the past brings me sadness but I then see the miracle that is right before me. As Miss G bops around with her toys  I listen to her little babbles, her laughter, and also her occassional whines as she makes sure Mommy is still there.

    As I observe her I think back to the day when I was given a most grim diagnosis. The doctors told me such awful news with no hope at all for her future. I also remember the moment the doctors both apologized over and over that it was too far along for me to abort and they wished there was something they could do. Abort? What! I am in tears at the simple thought of those words. "You really have no hope for my daughter" I had asked numerous times and each time in so many words their answer was "no". "How could they tell me such a thing, could it really be that there's no hope for my unborn child" I thought over and over. Perhaps we were to have found out  Gabriella's diagnoses prior to that "cut off" date my choice never would have been different from the one those doctors felt I was "stuck" in. I would have given her a chance to show us what she's made of with or without the option of "aborting".

     So as I watch my amazing, incredible, miraculous little girl I send a little prayer up. I say little because He has answered such huge prayers already in our lives. But with this prayer I give much thanks because I was instilled with such morals and beliefs that I know no matter what when it came to or continues to come to my daughter I will always know what to do! She may be a bit weaker than some babies and her eyes may not be as "good" as others and her brain may have some "imperfections" to the eyes of others but I know that she is PERFECT! At times when others had no hope I have always had nothing less. I was however, so afraid before her arrival but now I am no longer. She will do things on her own time and she will continue to prove everyone else around her who has doubted her wrong!

    And with my own personal situation with my daughter I think of all the angels that left us too soon. All the wonderful little babies who lost their battle with the same diagnoses Gabby was initially given. I pray for them and for their family. And whether they lived 3 years or just 3 days they were tiny little miracles just the same!!